Prescott / China
“When I got to the primary school, I began to dream about guys, but at that age, I really didn’t know about the homosexual at all. When I got to the junior high school, I began to realize the group gradually. “同志” is a word of Chinese, it have two meanings, the one means the “comrade”, the another one means the “gay”. Usually most people just know the first meaning, someday I searched this word on the web by chance, and then I found out another meaning. This is the first time I know that there is not only me but also a big group that we all are the same, we are gay!
As a matter of fact, I think I’m a lucky guy, because I never really undergo the discrimination, at least there will not stand a people who will say I hate you in front of me. I have a lot of friends, they all know what I am, I also have a friend who is gay also. When I got the grade 3 of junior high school, almost the whole class knew we are gay. However, I will never have the courage to tell the truth to my family, I know how terrible the circumstance will be, so I resolved to hide the secret.
The further knows of the gay group came from a famous singer that I’m crazy about, we called her Lady Gaga! Yes, I’m her fans, because her I was addicted to the western music, I knew there have so many western stars who support the gay group like P!nk, Madonna, Katy perry gradually. From then I began to know the foreign gay people. But I’ve never thought that the foreign gay people live so painfully. I often hear the bad news about that some guys jumped to their death on account of the discrimination, the parent’s indifference, the friend betray…When I was in junior high school I always told every people all around me that I’m gay, I thought that it’s no need to hide, but when I grew up until getting into the senior high school, I knew I should keep something secretly, I knew gradually that there are also too much people who don’t understand us, may be the “understand” is too gentle for them, they will speak badly behind of you and say it’s too horrible. I don’t like these guys and I don’t want to make friends with them. But compared with the foreign people who bear the abuse, I’m too lucky! In fact, in our China, somebody may treat gay people badly but they will never abuse them or even worse. Not really never, I means, at least, I never hear this violent matter happens around me.
After that, I realized that there are too much people against the discrimination, protect the victims, I know we should stand on one line to protect our right, life is so hard for our kind of people, we shouldn’t deserve that, I tried my best to support our group, I always to persuade others not to look down upon us, we are just like normal people. In fact, the contemporary Chinese youth are very open, but the elder are conservative very much, they will feel disgusting and strange if he see gay people, my family are like kind of this espeically. Once upon a time, my mum asked me why I love Lady Gaga, why I love the gay people? I told her the gay is nothing, they are just like normal people, a people to find his true love, is anything wrong? She got very angry, she thought my point of view and attitude are wrong absolutely, she said love is built on the physiology! I never dare to talk any topics about the homosexual since then, If I talk,my mum will ask me if I am a gay continuously, and if I am, she will take me to see the phychologist immediately. My mum’attitude to the gay people is unshakeble, my relative is also so tough, I couldn’t talk with them or explain it on this topic, I don’t wanna exposit my identity.It will just ruin my life.
If you ask me if I wanna be a gay I will say not surely! I’ve loved several straight men, it’s meaningless, I couldn’t get anything finally, I always thought how wonderful if i could be a girl, I could love the man who I love aboveboard. But since we are gay now! So just be a gay! I know the secret my parents and relative will find one day, maybe they will never tolerant or forgive such a “problem” child. But so what, I love them all but I could’t just be born for satify them, I have my own lifestyle also.
I really don’t think that the entire society should accept or understand our gay people, but at least do not hurt us, we have the human rights, we are not freak. I often feel afraid about future, in our China, the life may not easy like the other countries. But the biggest fortune i have is the friends who always support me, love me. Without their support, I will never go on in this way. That’s all my true experience.”