Ezra / Mexico
“Hi, I´m Ezra Sebastián and am from México, I’m a transgender boy but not all the time I was.
hen I was a little girl my tastes were very masculine, I hated putting on dresses and I was bored with the things girls my age did. My family always made fun of it, always made offensive jokes about me and everyone laughed, but I was just filled with courage.
I was in school when I found out I liked women, I didn’t know what was going on with me, I thought it was something that everyone, then when I got into Jr High School I discovered that it was not so, because all women liked men and I liked a woman.
I decided to define myself as bisexual for fear of what might happen, the fear was so great that I decided to hide it from my family and commit suicide when I turned 17 years old because I didn’t dare face them, but when I was 15 years old I fell in love with a girl for the first time and she became my girlfriend, it was very difficult because only after 3 months of relationship and her family found out, his mom and his grandma went to my mom’s to tell him the truth and my mom yelled at me that she was so ashamed to have me as a daughter, it still hurts, I replied “I would never be ashamed to have you as a mother. “
Mom finally understood it but her condition was that I had to be a female woman. When I got into high school, I exploded my body, started putting on makeup, wearing dresses, being gentle and doing everything girls my age did so I wouldn’t fail my mother.
My first relationship was very painful even though she had a worse time, she was psychologically damaged, locked in four walls, forced to talk to boys, while I was planning on getting a restraining order so I’d never go near her. We had a secret relationship for 3 years, it is very sad that homophobia can more than love, but it is sadder to see who you love 10 minutes inside a public bathroom because you are being watched. Mom used to tell me that if I really loved her, I had to leave her so her family wouldn’t hurt her anymore, but why, if you love someone, you have to let them go?
When I was 17 years old I lived only with my older brother, I finally decided to cut my hair because it was always a dream to have short hair but my mother did not allow me to do it, I remember that night I was very sad that I didn’t have the permission but then I asked myself: when will I be who I want to be? So the next day I cut my hair and was very happy. Having my hair short and being all the time without my parents I realized that I no longer wanted to pretend, that Mom had made me fit to be a female woman but I couldn’t waste any more years of my life. I always knew I was a boy inside me, I was coming out but I was so scared, I was so afraid to start being who I really was that I fell into depression, I couldn’t leave home, I didn’t like talking to anyone, I was so afraid to face everyone, I wanted to die again. I got brave and I stopped making up my face, I stopped painting my nails and I hid my women’s clothes, I started wearing hats and men’s clothes, my mom kept telling me I looked bad.
I got into University and started being who I am, I realized that I really liked that what I really needed was to be Sebastian and not that little girl that everyone told her how to dress or walk.
All trans people speak the beautiful part of being yourself, yes, it is very beautiful to be who you are, but at least in Mexico being a trans person is still very frowned upon.
No trans guy realizes that for many of us we don’t exist, that trans men are male women and trans women are female men. No one tells you how complicated it is to go to a public bathroom, everyone looks at you, everyone talks about you, mocks you, most dads never finish understanding it and condemn us to a life we don’t want, many companies don’t give you a job because you’re trans, and not all of us have access to hormone treatment because of the high costs they have. In Mexico the capital grants free treatment only to those born or living there, I live in another state and the treatments and operations are really expensive.
I’m Ezra Sebastian and people’s little reasoning makes me look like a woman yet, but I haven’t given up, I’m still working to be the man I always dreamed of. If anyone reads this, please live and let others live, we all deserve a little love and understanding, the world needs more empathy, respect trans people, not only me the rejection has made me want to die, others already killed.
Homophobia has separated me from two increíble people, I miss my girl so much, I want her back, but her parents have threatened her not to be with me.”