EM /

“Hi, my name is EM and I want to tell my story. I know that probably this will have to be summarize to publish on Instagram, please help me doing that if its possible. I apologize. I want to start by telling that after all my life fighting against myself in 2019, I found the real me. I grew up with many insecurities, believing that everything I did was bad and that God was going to punish me. So normal things at each stage of life like playing with some other kids or going out with friends was bad. This was basically my life, even though I was in college. It didn’t change anything of that. I literally lived apart from everything that is a society. I know that the way I grew up made me the person I am, in such a way that I feel like I don’t fit in any area. But it’s the fear that my parents instilled in me that made me block out of everything. I have literally been locked up all my life. It is like living in jail. Over the years I have realized that this has only happened to me, of all my siblings. And I know that it may be due to events that happened to me as a child and this caused my parents to separate me from everything excessively.

I remember being little and telling my mom that if I could like boys. I don’t remember how old I was,  but I must be between 7 or 10 years. I just didn’t have any idea, I was very little. I remember that I always felt different and even more when my parents separated me from everything. But when I was 13 years old, I was already more self-aware and I realized that I was attracted to guys. I grew up in a very religious environment and I felt very guilty and I always denied myself. It was night after night asking God to change me. One day my mom found out and since that time I feel that everything changed even more, to the extent that they didn’t treat me the same as my siblings because they suspected I was gay. They sent me to a Christian boarding school. Where, after a while, I knew that nothing had changed. But obviously, I wasn’t going to tell them, But inside of me, I knew that it wasn’t like that, but I denied it myself. This happened again years later and this time it was worse because they beat me and said that I was not going to college that I didn’t deserve that. But I agreed to go again to the boarding school and I ended up telling them that it was just a stage.

After a while, I always felt contempt from them even if I denied it. Things like helping me with college or just going to the doctor, I never got them. Compared to my siblings, they helped them and gave them everything. But I managed to get a scholarship at the best university in my country. And that’s how I managed to study and graduate on my own. It wasn’t that easy, but that’s another long story. In 2019, for good grades and also soon to finish my degree, they gave me a scholarship to participate in an internship in Florida, USA. After many obstacles, I managed to go. Unconsciously I was going to an unknown world. Especially because I spent a life locked up and did not know if I was going to adapt. Besides, I felt very incapable of everything, from speaking in English to the simplest things. I guess it’s because at home I only heard that everything I did was wrong.

Being in Florida, USA, I realized that I could and was capable of doing many things. Like having friends, getting out to have fun with them, was my first time for all of that. That used to be impossible for me, it was like seeing something you see in movies. It was very shocking, it was a whole new world. I also realized that it didn’t matter that I liked guys. It was still just me. Not someone bad … I even dated a guy, who was also doing an internship. I don’t know how to explain what I felt. I felt that I could be loved by someone. That I wasn’t obnoxious, that someone could possibly love me. Although it could just be an adventure. I didn’t take it that way. All this that I’m telling, for me is something that I still don’t believe happened, because I am literally always in my house. Things like hanging out with friends I never did. In Florida, USA, it was my first time hanging out with friends and living like a normal person, including going to a supermarket. And sometimes I hate myself because I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Or I compare myself and feel ashamed of the person I am. I feel like I have no identity. Everything that I lived there was like a dream, everything was new for me, even things that were the most normal for others.

A few days ago I was locked up for several days in an empty room, with nothing. I slept on the floor. It was horrible … My mom found me with the cell phone. I made a mistake that I forgot to hide some photos with the boy that I went out there. I felt lonely and those pictures bring me good memories. And she saw them, we weren’t doing something bad, just eating in a secular place. But she got angry and locked me in an empty room :( I was locked up for several days. I didn’t have a cell phone or anything, I felt very lonely :(. Thanks so much

Quarks, we know of their existence but not of their physics. Like just a piece of quarks, would be awesome to have life … nothing else… just a tiny piece of quarks just to be a human.




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