“How do you reconcile a childhood filled with memories of your 7-year old self stalking Ken – your tall and handsome 8th grade crush – and then the next day, slipping away into the adult section of the video store to catch a glimpse of topless women? i grew up in a masculine household, and have memories of being called ‘fag’ and ‘queer’ because i chose dance and music over sports, and my ultraconservative mom saying gay sex was disgusting. It was only natural that i thought i could suppress the smaller, gay in me, replace it with fear and hate of those who were gay, and focus on my straight. Eventually the insecurity and anxiety became too much, and even to this day i can’t forgive myself for turning to hate. i didn’t know if i could love women if i also liked men – no one said it was ok. depression and suicidal thoughts were a ball and chain for years until finally decided to accept that i lived in the gray zone of sexuality. The realization liberated me, but At the same time, i realized my identity was considered a phase in the gay community and looked down upon by straight women. My experience was not a phase, because it hasn’t ended. i am not ashamed to be the B IN THE LGBT.”

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