Benjamin / New Zealand
“NEW ZEALAND IS A GOOD COUNTRY TO BE GAY. I HAVE HEAPS OF SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS, AND A LOVING BOYFRIEND. DESPITE THIS I STRUGGLE TO BE IDENTIFIED AS GAY, BY MYSELF AND OTHER PEOPLE. I LACK PRIDE THAT I DEARLY WISH I HAD.
GROWING UP I HAD A LOT OF SELF-DOUBT AND CONFUSION SURROUNDING MY SEXUALITY. I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS BARELY 7 YEARS OLD AND SOMEONE CALLED ME GAY FOR THE TIME BECAUSE I SOUNDED LIKE A GIRL. IT WAS FROM THEN ONWARDS A FREQUENT QUESTION AND IT WAS ALWAYS IN THE BACK OF MY MIND, TRYING TO CHANGE MY BEHAVIOUR SO PEOPLE THOUGH I WAS STRAIGHT. IT NEVER WORKED TO MY FRUSTRATION.
FOR MANY YEARS I FELT AS THOUGH I HAD NO CHOICE IN MY SEXUALITY, AND EVERYONE I KNEW HAD ALREADY DECIDED FOR ME. THAT I WAS GAY. THIS MADE IT HARD FOR ME TO COME TO TERMS WITH MY GAY IDENTITY, AND ONLY UP UNTIL RECENT YEARS I WOULD PROFUSELY TELL PEOPLE I WAS STRAIGHT OR DODGE THEIR QUESTIONS.
GROWING UP WITH A CHRISTIAN FATHER I ALWAYS FELT AS THOUGH I WOULD NEVER BE ACCEPTED. WHILST NEVER BEING EXPLICITLY TOLD I WOULDN’T, I’VE ALWAYS BATTLED WITH THE INTERNAL BATTLE OF REJECTION.
WHEN I FINISHED HIGH SCHOOL I MOVED FAR FROM HOME, AND HARDLY SEE MY FAMILY. I THOUGHT THIS WOULD HELP ME BECOME MY AUTHENTIC SELF, HOWEVER THE BIGGEST BARRIER TO BECOMING MY AUTHENTIC SELF, IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE MYSELF. ULTIMATELY MY BIGGEST DISCRIMINATOR IS MY OWN FEAR.”
