“I am a Jordanian guy, from a respectful family, which hates any “”different”” person. my sister and brother always keep on laughing at any guy they see in the street who happens to be gay and out, they show signs of disgust and hatred. my mother calls me gay when she wants to tell me that i am sick, and then after it she asks if i am ill or if there is something wrong with me, as if her remark on me being gay is not enough emphasis for her that i am -in her opinion- sick and got something wrong going on in me.

most of the gay guys i have been with send out this vibe that now they know about me, they have the power to blackmail me with this information, as if it’s a reason for shame and dishonor. the people around me started to look differently at me when i got a piercing in my ear, as if it is a sign for being ‘sick’ for being the gay guy in town! years back when i was in my senior year of high school, a classmate of mine wanted to have sex with me, which was odd; he was not gay to begin with, and he did not know about me also; nevertheless, he asked to have sex and i agreed, and when we -almost- had sex, he started blackmailing me in school and telling rumors about me to our other classmate, rumors that had to convey to the kids in school that i am a faggot and i ‘eat’ dicks and love to be fucked.

i thanked god it was my last semester in high school and that this nightmare would be over, but it wasn’t over; when i got into university, people on campus started hating me for having my headsets in my ears all the time and not socializing with anyone, so they started saying that i am lebanese -which for some people in jordan connotes the idea of typical lady-body kind of guy who is effeminate- then the rumors started to circulate around the idea that i am strictly gay, but it was a bit easier back then because the university community was so big, i, somewhat, easily found my comfort zone in it, but the rumors and the hate never ended and never will they end.”

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