Stephanie /

“I grow up in a German village during the 80s. At age 5, I was able to formulate my wish to be born with
a female body. But no: Everyday I woke up in the same boyish body. At school kids recognized me as different
and my role as wimp was cemented. With 13 I read a magazine article about trans-sexuality. The author stated
these people are not crazy. I felt relieved. At least I was not crazy, just different.

One day alone at home I put on female clothing in the dark. I was 15. My sister appeared earlier than usual.
She didn’t recognized my clothing but then she was shocked. Later my brother arrived and found my sister crying.
He talked to her and he hasted to my room. He comforted me and tried to be my protective big brother. We were
unable to cope this situation. The silent agreement was not to tell my parents about my situation.

Years later I started studying in another town but I was still in the closet. I banned my other me with a contract:
“First finish studying, then life”. Further 4 years in the closet, only. But no: I was asked by my professor to sign
in for doctoral studies following my diploma. I was unable to say no to this honor, everyone expected it. Two years
I was trying to do my doctoral studies, but my other me hasn’t forgotten the broken contract and a solid depression
of denying me for 21 years hit me like a bullet. Tears for years. After beginning to visit a psychiatrist I came out
stepwise. Some friends I lost but the majority supported me. During my leisure time I began to go out dressed like a
women. Harassments started but I stood up for being me. Later, I was 27, I called my mom and told her. She was puzzled.
Full of sorrows she asked me about dad. I insisted she should tell him. Later my dad called me. He was worried about
his youngest child and listened to me for more than half an hour while I was explaining him my life between the lines.
In deep compassion he asked about my siblings. He felt relieved that I wasn’t totally alone because they knew it for
so long and simply said: “I wish that you become happy”. I burst out into tears of happiness.

Later I gave up my doctoral studies. I felt too vulnerable to wear female clothing at university. I started searching
for a job. The job interview I visited dressed as woman. The company boss gave it a try and now I am working in the field
I studied dressed as woman. The next years I struggled with my identity despite my full coming out. The doubts and bigot burden romped around my head and hindered me to go further steps of transformation. Finally in April 2016 I started with hormones but I still don’t know what to expect.”

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