Mattie / United States
“I have two faces. Maya and Mattie. Straight and queer.
At school, no one cares. It’s great. No one cares that I have short hair. No one cares that I like boys and girls. Everyone is accepting and only cares about my personality, who I am as a person; not labels. That is how I want to be seen. I want people to know who I am, but I don’t want it to define me. I want to be defined my the way I acted, the fact that I’m kind, I like to help people; not that I’m qeer.
At home, I am a straight, cisgender girl. I constantly have to hear my moms comments, “Maya, why don’t you grow your hair out?” “Maya, why do you like boy stuff. You’re a girl! Act like one.” I have to hear her homophobic comments. I can’t say anything, I always feel like she will suspect something.
I want to tell my mom who I am, but I am so scared. I don’t think she will understand who I am. I have a transgender friend, he is actually one of my best friends. My mom constantly uses the wrong pronouns. She hates that I hang out with him and thinks he’s the reason I want to dress like a boy.
Last year, I tried to kill myself. I felt so trapped and stuck, like nothing would ever get better. I felt like there was something was wrong with me but realized it was something wrong with society. I was certain the society was never going to change. No one knew who I was. I was living a lie. My parents are still trying to figure out why I did it. If only, they knew.”