“My name is Kamau Njoroge , am 22 years old from Nairobi, Kenya .I really don’t think of pronouns… Am just existent 

😄 I work as a fashion designer and makeup artist. My journey to self discovery has been interesting yet so heartbreaking. 

As a child i had all these ideas of what I was supposed to be, of which some were just instilled into us from a tender age. But as I grew older I realized that the world is not what I thought it was, that love is not love. I was always attracted to boys, I got my first kiss at the age of five!😅yea! I didn’t think of it as this big controversial  thing. For me it was really sweet..the moment still stuck in my head….. Although over time it dawned on me that it was unnatural so said my CRE ( Christian religious education) textbook! I remember one day the  asked if anybody felt any attraction towards their own gender..I wanted so bad to raise my hand but I just couldn’t. I felt as if my classmates were silently shouting my name. I was really feminine as a child …it did come with a lot of hatred from fellow boys…this one time our science teacher told me how I would be molested if I didn’t man up..( play soccer with the boys rather than spending all day alone in class because he told me he would beat me if he saw me with girls)…there were so many nicknames from everywhere… My androgynous self kept confusing people…and I slowly started hating the fact that I “looked like a girl” more so acted like one!..

My dad always had a hidden disgust on his face every time visitors came home because of how “off”  of a boy I was…. I deeply hated every aspect of myself …I just wanted to be *normal* …to love boy things but I kept on gravitating towards things deemed feminine…. I fell in love with fashion design from an early age ..I tried to make it clear but every time the idea was silenced with ” became a teacher or something else” over the years education kept pondering the idea of how Homosexuality was unnatural, an immorality , and disregard to oneself….

 Years passed and finally one day I told my parents I like boys! And life has never been the same…….coming from a highly religious family it was blow for them and me to😅…

 I remember my mum telling me she wouldn’t mind if I got a girl pregnant ….

All the meanest cruel things that could be said were said…but I had nowhere to go so I caved in and said it was just a phase… It broke my heart…I became bitter with life…I slowly watched myself die from within…

Realization that who you are is an illegal unnatural crime…punishable by law ..an abomination in the eyes or religious people was just overwhelming… Knowing that I had been a devout choir member since five years……

So much I can say but I have learned to treat myself with grace …and a hope for a better tomorrow… I stay in my room and let my imagination take the lead…. Creativity has been my safe space..at times I will write songs..make clothes ..do makeup all to avoid harsh realities… It works for me….

I try to avoid spaces that  will draw hatred to me based on my sexual orientation.  At times you won’t be able to avoid these places…because its work, school…but hold on…with the hope it gets better with time…surround yourself with people who love you for who you are…

And love yourself…you can’t pour from an empty cup…

 I wish us strength, love, grace compassion for our own and others to, success , …. It is possible for us….”