“The day that I decide to tell my mom, Jun 2008, Who I am and What i feel with hope that she understand me because she is a mother.

My thought were wrong and my dreams and hopes shattered when I open up to my mom about myself, I told her that I’m not a man and I have never felt in such way the battle of my life starts to become worst when my mothers refuse to accept me for who I am. My days passed with lonelyness even with the presence of family.

April 2009, the day that I decided to give up my life, as I’m no longer strong enough to face the discrimination and depression. God never accept me as well. I guess because I survived and spend my days 3 moths in hospital. Nothing have changed the loneliness and depression hunt me, I was chased out from home and I was disowned by my family where I fought I were belongs to all this while.

Out of home and disowned by family, I was more like a robot surviving. I kept busy myself with work so that i don’t miss my home.

Every night my pillow are wet with my tears after my transition took place, I was just an entertainment object for people make fun and a sex symbol for guys advantage. I was like puppet! I was asked wear male attire and use gents the more depressed and consulted psychiataricts for depression treatment. Could not cope up any longer decided to resign and that was my last corporate job in Malaysia. 2011 after that freelance work to survival. At one point Jan 2014 was the day that I will never forget in my life time where I have to do sex work for my survival because my education are no longer recognized for being who i am. Being a sex worker my life was always in fear due to the law enforcement.

I’m lonely, homeless, in fear why because I decided to be who I am. Well who I am? I am Abinaya Jayaraman Transwomen, my gender is my identity and why i’m punished. Where everyone deserve to love and to be loved.”

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