Michael / United States
“I remember the last time my dad said he loved me. I was in the 6th grade and we were leaving from my first day of school. My parents left Cuba 15 years before homosexuality was no longer illegal. Growing up in a house of traditional Cuban refugees, it always seemed unspeakable to me that I would be gay. I didn’t even know it was possible to like boys until later that year when I got my first crush. I suppose he had suspected for a while, but WHEN he found out I had a boyfriend for the first time, when I was 15, we didn’t speak for 6 Months then we buried it. The second time he found out, I tried to kill Myself by taking a bottle of opioids, and the third was when I came out to him and he told me he would rather be dead than “hear my News,” that if any of my grandparents were alive, they would die all over again in anguish, and that he would not help me financially if I was to make such a choice. I dated women for 7 years, even to the point of having a fiancée, just to make him happy. It’s taken all my being to keep trying to salvage whatever love might be harvested deep down inside him. I still hope one day he comes around, but for now, I am stuck with some more bills and memories of the man who drove me home the last day he thought I was worth loving.”
Michael, first of all you are brave and good for even sharing your painful story to help others understand and learn. second, you never know what can happen. I did not get a good response when I first came out from one of my parents, but then things got better years later. third, even if your father never understands you, he probably loves you underneath the fear and sense of loss he likely has for the image of who you were. this all makes it hard for him to see the great person you are, no different from who you were when he more clearly loved you, but just w/ a few more nooks and crannies that make you unique. I like Oscar wilde’s quote: be yourself. everyone else is already taken. if you keep moving ahead with your life, focusing on what and who is important and creating a “chosen family” of those who treat you with love and respect, whatever response you get from your Dad will feel less important. If you periodically check in with him, you may find his ideas get more reasonable over time. whatever you do, don’t think it reflects you. it’s where he is at this time (not even necessarily forever). you have your own way to make in this world and it doesn’t depend on his approval. be your own unique, wonderful self and i think you’ll craft a great and fulfilling life. I find pema chodron’s, brene brown’s, and tara brach’s writings great for fostering good self acceptance. may you find peace and comfort in the arms of friends and chosen family, and may he step outside his fear and anger to realize what he is missing in rejecting you in his fear and misunderstanding. best wishes.
dear michael: I know you don’t know me and that i know that i don’t you know your story completely. but, i would like to tell you this: you are good, you are important you are enough. and no, this is not a scene from the movie «the help». this are real worlds from a real person who is gay and who also happens to be not loved from his own parents. since the day one my parents already knew, too. that i was homossexual., but they pretended like they never knew and as time went by, and long story short, things changed and they “love” me now. they like the appearances in the family dinners, the “pretending game”, the fake smiles and the fake happiness of having a lovely gay son who’s in collegue studying psychology to show off to other family members that they have a son who’s in college, bu…. they have afraid that i say that i’m gay, in one way or another, or in a dinner or another. they like the straight acting and all the pretending because “unfortunatly” it happened to they have a “faggot” in the family.
for, years, i felt and lived the things that you felt and lived. and still live and feal, until one day and with help with great and true friends i maded one of the greatest decision of my live: i decided to live my life, wherever they liked or not, they aproved or not or, even, loved me or not. and let me tell you this: it was one of the best decisions i have ever made. do you know why? because, and deep down, you know this too: because in reality, the truth is, they were never there! they never loved me! and of course it hurted and it was hard at first, but with time and support with my friends, i started to stop caring for someone who didn’t cared a thing abour me, specially if i was their own son. i stoped caring and untill today i don’t care.
things are cold between us but i don’t care because the truth is: the one’s who care about us, who really care about us, they love us just by the way we are. the wAY WE WERE BORN, WE WAY WE DIDN’T CHOSE TO BE, the way god made us.
YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FAULT ABOUT THE WAY YOU WERE BORN. THE PEOPLE’S SEX YOU LOVE, AND THE WAY YOU ARE (IN THE PART OF YOUR PERSONALITY).
WHAT I WANT TO SAY MICHAEL IS THIS: SOMETIMES IT’S NOT THE FAMILY WHO REALLY LOVE US. SOMETIMES, IT’S “JUST” FRIENDS AND OUR HUSBAND/WIFE. IF YOUR FATHER PUTS HIS HAPPINESS IN FRONT OF YOUR OWN, OF HIS OWN SON, BLOOD OF HIS BLOOD, THEN, I’M SORRY TO TELL YOU THIS (AND THAT, DEEP DOWN, YOU ALREADY KWOW) YOUR FATHER ISN’T YOUR TRUE FATHER;. HE’S YOUR progenitor’. just like that. not much, not less, just the progenitor.
because if he doesn’t love who you are, the way you were born, the way god made you, if he doesn’t care about your happiness and health and well being, if he sacrifices your own happiness for his, then he is not you father. he is nobody.
i know that that is hard but, dear, that’s the way it is. in other hand, don’t worry: you have, and if you don’t, you will have people who love you, who really love you: friends and a (future) husband.
god loves you, jesus loves you, the virgin mary loves you, the gardian angel that god created purposely to guard you, loves you!!!
don’t lose hope michael!! you are still alive! you still have things to live, to do, to say and a person to love and to love you back!!!
you are not alone!! i’m with you!! and, to finish, i would to say to you this:
first: you are worthy of love and belonging. and if your progenitor or all of your family don’t love you, screw them. because it means they don’t deserve the good son they have.
you deserve to be happy, to live your own life and if they really were your family they would be there for you..
and second, i would like to leave you with this quote: «Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.» Psalm 27:10
Love you,
hugs,
sending strenght and prayers for you,
and saying sorry for all the grammar mistakes,
with love,
Pedro Michel