R /

“I am a 27yo guy from india. I was born in a small south indian town of gulbarga and I still live there with my traditional and strict family. It was in my high school that I discovered that I wasnt like other boys in my class. And in 2005 when I went to the medical school and did my intilligent reaearch about homsexuality I learnt that this is how I am born and I cannot change. I always knew that I could never tell this to my muslim family. So in 2009 I came out to my best friend for 3yrs from the medical school. And to my shock he stopped talking to me from the very next day .A month later he started blackmailing me for money and I had no choice but to keep paying him rs.5000 or more most of the time to keep it a secret , otherwise he would tell it to my family or others in the college .I was traumatised and could not seek any help from anyone. I had only 2 thoughts crossing my mind all the time. I either had to die or just run away. I chose the second option and moved out of my town and went to mumbai in 2011 after suffering and having traumatic times for almost 3years . Even after moving out it wasnt easy to live happily . I had completely stopped trusting people and I did not have any courage to come out to my sisters or family. My mother passed away when I was 5 and I lived with my dad sisters grand parents and other relatives in a joint family of 15people. Being the only son and support system for my family and dad , they all have a lot of expectations from me , they want me to get married and have kids and live with them . So I could not live in mumbai for more than a year and due to constatnt pressuure from family and extended family I had to move back to my town to live with my family. I have been lucky to have travelled a bit and made some friends but that only encouraged me to be strong and keep trying to avoid marriage . Now I am a doctor and have a job but I am not satisfid and happy in my life . If u all can believe me there is still a constatnt pressure from family to get married to a girl and various questions from my friends like ,why I dont have a gf or why I dont get engaged. I wish I could explain them and had answers to their questions.. After tryinig several things to live happily, trusting a couple of friends and still having no solution for my problem I have lost hope from my life and most of the time I am depressed and confused about my future. I have tried almost everyting that I could do to live freely and happily without being judged . I have tears in my eyes writing this last line .. Just want someone to come and take me out of this situation someday. I dont need all the luxury or money or the job that I have , I need love and freedom to be myself and want to surround myself with happy people . I pray for all those who are in a situation like me and one day I want to proudly come out as a gay indian doctor and would like to meet my best friend who blackmailed me and I would like to dedicate my life to working for lgbtqi community in countries where being a gay is a crime.”

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