eli

Eli /

“i use two names: eli and yana
to the internet and close friends i’m eli, the nonbinary who’s attracted to all genders and is proud of their identity
to some friends i’m yana the cisfemale pan who’s okay with their sexuality
and to my family i’m yana: cisfemale and straight
ever since i was little i didn’t liked being called a girl. or a boy. i played with both boy and girl toys. last summer i found a term, nonbinary. being inbetween boy and girl. and it fit me, it was what i’d been searching for. during that time as well my mum found out i liked girls as well and found i did not identify as cis. she lectured me in saying i was foolish to think that and that it was only my hormones and sooner or later i’ll see she’s right. in that year, i was suffering from depression and was self-harming, hearing my own mother, the person whom i looked up to say i wasn’t valid because i was a teen shattered me. it’s been four months since i last self-harmed, now my mum and i pretend it was a phase. but outside of the house, orr on the internet…. i truly can be myself and be proud. in the picture of me that i’ve uploaded, my hair looks short, but in fact is pulled into a bun and is actually grown past my shoulders. i’ve expressed to my mum that i want shorter hair but she thinks i mean about shoulder-length. which i don’t. i mean i want it short. in school, i’m sometimes harrassed by boys for liking girls.. i get called “lesbian” “gay” etc. it’s hard, but i get through it

anyway, i believe that in time, i will be able to look as i feel, that my appearance will reflect me. that i will be able to be proud in public”

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